


Becoming Bad Again

by Rawrlove19



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Giving Up, Hate, Relapse, Secrets, Self Harm, Twitter, friends - Freeform, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-10-11 10:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10463346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Everyone knows the story about how Ashton Irwin used to cut before his band mates befriended him and helped him to stop, right? Well, what happens when he starts to fall again, but this time no one is there to catch him? Can he get better on his own or will he just fall deeper than before?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys I thought it was time I wrote something for 5sos! As always comments and kudos are always appreciated!

"- And that's a wrap!" The studio manager gushed. She was a tall, brunette that laughed too loud. Honestly, I could never remember her name even if I tried. I just don't care right now. Maybe if she actually noticed me I might try to flirt, but that never happens. Anyone can hold a pair of drumsticks.

I got out my phone as I waited for the next part of our session to start. First, there's vocals. Then, we record the instrumentals separately. Luke had just finished singing his last line, and quite honestly he looked out of breathe. Poor kid.

I'm just here to play the drums. I looked at my phone. I had countless texts from my mum and Lauren, but I just ignored those like usual. I'm fine and they just worry way too much. I scrolled aimlessly through Twitter. I wasn't even reading the posts. It's just like sometimes you have to be doing something or the next thing you know everyone thinks you're sad or depressed. 

I've noticed that I've been more negative lately. I don't know where it came from, but oh well. I don't see anything actually wrong with being negative. You're just putting the world in a more realistic perspective.

"Earth to Ashton!" I'm suddenly aware of someone waving their hands in my face. I blink and look up to see Calum smirking down at me.

"Wave that hand one more time, Calum. I just dare you to." I growled. I didn't feel like his nonsense today. I just want to go home and lay in bed.

"Feisty. I love it." Calum snickered causing me to groan. "That's what you get. I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes."

"You have." 

"I swear. How does this band even function with so many blondes in it?" Calum sassed. 

"What did you want?" I decided to ask him, already dreading his answer. 

"Oh we're done for the day. The other studio manager had some crisis he needed to attend to." He explained.

"Good to know." I snarked, standing up to leave. I left Calum standing there in confusion. I walked out into the parking lot to see Luke resting his eyes against the wall.

As my luck would have it, Luke popped his eyes open to see me just as I was passing by.

"Ashton?" Luke stopped me. "Where are you going? Usually we all eat after recording for so long." 

"Just not feeling well today. You guys can go without me."

"You sure?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine don't worry about me." I waved him off. "Oh, by the way, Calum was inside saying something about blondes and your intelligence..."

"He what now? Calum!" Luke immediately ran off to murder the poor, sassy boy in question.

I tried to smile at the sight, but I could only sigh instead. I don't know what was wrong with me today. I guess I was just too sad to really enjoy life.

I couldn't let this happen again. I had worked so hard to dig myself out of the rut the last time I fell in it. I couldn't let things become that bad again. I don't think I'll make it out again. Not this time.

I sighed and bit my lip. I couldn't isolate myself right now. I turned around and walked back inside to where my friends were.

"Ashton was really cranky today." I overheard Michael say right before I was going to walk in.

"Yeah." Calum agreed. "I thought he was going to bite my head off for a minute there."

"Guys, just..." Luke sighed. "I don't know. You know how Ashton can be."

I chose then to silently walk back into the room. If they are going to talk about me, I at least wanted to be in the room for it.

"Ash!" Luke exclaimed nervously. "I thought you went home."

"I changed my mind...if That's okay." No one spoke up at that point. I laughed humorously to myself. "Well, then, this is awkward. I guess I'll just catch up to you guys later." I quickly turned and left before my tears had the chance to fall. I couldn't let them see me crying. I had a dark past, but I'm better now. I'm just having a bad day today. That's it.

Yeah. Ashton keep lying to yourself.

-

I made my way home eventually, but I still just felt off. I glanced at my phone again when I heard it ding. Another text from my mother. I decided I should probably call her back, but I just wasn't in the right emotional sate at the moment. I decided a quick text would be sufficient enough.

"I'm doing fine Mum. Just been really busy lately with the new album and everything. Promise I'll call you soon!"

That should do it for now. My mother had always chosen to act like I'm fine, even if I'm clearly not. I don't blame her for that. I was a really messed up kid with no friends. I was a huge disappointment to her, but she came through for me in the end. After she found out I self-harmed she got me the help I needed. I don't know where I would be without her. 

I was pretty selfish at that time. I know it probably wasn't the easiest coming home to find out your son had overdosed on sleeping pills he shouldn't have even owned. I was a screwed up mess, but she was patient with me and I'll forever be grateful to her for that.

It wasn't just her that helped. Luke, Calum, and Michael basically forced me to accept their help after they found the first few cuts. I pushed them away more than anything and even threatened to leave the band at one point.

I deserved less than the life I'm living. That was for sure. I have a great family and amazing friends. I wake up everyday thankful for having them in my life, but sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. I feel like the bad feelings are still there. I just feel more or less empty and on those days I don't know how to handle that.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up to my phone ringing the next day. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to call me, but they were going to regret it.

"What do you want?!" I yelled into the phone.

"Hello to you too, Ashy!" Michael's voice came through my phone.

"What do you want, Michael. I'm trying to sleep!" I groaned.

"Sleep? Ash it's 2pm. Have you been asleep all day?"

"What?" I sat up and looked at my phone. It was indeed 2pm. I had went to sleep at 10pm. I hadn't slept this much in a long time. Not since I was really bad. Back then, all I did was sleep.

"-Ash! Ashton! I swear if you don't answer me I'm coming over!" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Michael's voice yelling at me.

"Yeah, Mikey. Sorry, I didn't realize I slept so long. What did you want anyway?" I asked.

"You don't remember what today is?" Michael dead-panned. I thought hard. Nothing seemed to come to mind.

"Can't say I do." I could literally hear Michael slapping his hand against his face. I must have forgotten something pretty important.

"Band meeting. Pizza. Just forget it. I'm picking you up, so hurry up and get ready." Michael ordered before the line went dead. I had obviously made him angry about something. 

It was almost 2:30, so I decided to skip showering. I didn't want to make Michael wait on me. I got dressed in some ripped, black skinny jeans and a plain black t-shirt before walking into my bathroom to brush my teeth and try to get my curly hair in order.

I couldn't help but let my gaze drop down to my exposed wrists. They looked so clean. I never got the courage to cut that deep, so most of the scars have faded into nonexistence. The scars that remain are tiny white lines that you have to actually look for in order to see them. They serve as a reminder to never let myself become that person again. I hate the person I used to be, and as far as I'm concerned he's dead. I refuse to ever become him again. Besides, I tell my fans not to cut. How would they feel if I went and started doing it again?

"Pathetic." I whispered to myself. It was the truth. I was pathetic. I was a monster that sucked the happiness away from my friends and family.

"Ashton?"

My head snapped up at the soft, whisper of my name. I was met with the wide eyes of a worried Michael. I don't know if he saw or heard that or not, but I really hoped he didn't.

"Hey man, how'd you get in?" I smiled at him. Who cares if it is a fake smile? I'm not the only one with depression. Michael struggled with it as well, so I knew I couldn't let him down. I had to be strong for him. He just recently got over his, so I didn't want to bother him with my struggles.

"You left the door unlocked again. I thought we talked about that."He stated. His eyes flickered down to my wrists briefly, but I caught the movement and shoved some bracelets I kept by my sink on. I don't always wear bracelets, but today I was feeling extra self-conscious and needed them.

"Oops." I chuckled. "I'll be fine. Have you seen these guns? They'll scare away any robber that even thinks of breaking in!"

"Ashton." Michael's eyes were grim despite my corny joke. "Are you-"

"So pizza and banding? Sounds like fun!" I cheered, completely cutting him off. I quickly rearranged my hair and grabbed my keys, Michael following behind me. He stepped out first and waited for me to lock my door. I couldn't help but notice the worried looks he kept shooting me on the way to his car.

This was going to be a fun ride!  
-  
I was right. The car ride was awkward and silent. Michael had tried to talk to me about what happened, but I kept changing the subject or answering with a joke so he eventually gave up. 

Gave up on me.

I shivered at that thought. I try not to think like that, but sometimes the negativity gets the best of me. What can I say? I'm just a negative guy.

"About time you showed up, Ash!" Calum smirked. Michael and I had finally arrived inside the pizza parlor we were banding in.

"Calum and I had time to run back to Australia and back, waiting for you!" Luke joked.

"Haha very funny." I smiled, showing my dimples.

"Yea. Funny." Michael repeated. Calum and Luke looked at him out of concern. I just wanted to crawl a in a hole and die. It was obvious Michael was upset, and this time I'm the one who upset him.

"Okay then." Calum blanched, "We went ahead and ordered some pizza..."

"Can't wait! Mickey didn't exactly give me time to eat." I pouted, trying not to betray my true emotions. The feeling of emptiness was back, and I didn't want them to know.

"Shouldn't of been staring at your scars for so long, then." Michael bit out.

"Michael..." I was taken aback. I didn't think he'd mention it in front of Calum and Luke, but I guess he felt like he had to. 

"I don't want to hear it, Ashton." Michael seethed. "I know what I saw and I didn't like it one bit."

"I was reflecting. That's it. I promise." I tried, but Michael had already shut me out. Calum was shooting daggers at me by now, as he tried to comfort Michael. Luke was merely shooting me a sympathetic look. That's why I hate myself sometimes. I can ruin everything just with my presence.

"Let's just get down to business." Luke changed the subject. "We need to...."

I zoned out the rest of the time we were there. I gave my Input when it was needed, but besides that I didn't talk. Michael was pretty much the same way, but I could tell he was still mad at me.

On the way back to my apartment, Michael kept a tight grip on the steering wheel. He chewed on his lip at the same time, and that's why I knew I had to clear the air.

"Michael I'm sorry." I apologized.

"You don't understand, Ashton." He laughed darkly. "You called yourself pathetic while you were staring at them."

"That part of my life is over, Michael." I explained. "Sometimes, you just have to remind yourself of things. That's what I was doing. I was reflecting on my past and got caught up. I'm fine, though. Honestly."

"You promise?" Michael asked, glancing over at me for a split second before returning his eyes to the road.

"I swear."  
-  
That brings me to where I am now. Sitting on my bathroom floor, hunched over my bathtub, with a bleeding wrist. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt that first spark of pain. The pain that I never stopped craving and wished I'd never given up. I missed it all. The blood. The scars littering my arms. Most of all, I missed the release it gave me.

I had hurt Michael today, and I felt terrible about that. I deserved the pain I gave myself more than anything. After the first cut, I was hooked. 

Again.


	3. Chapter 3

I glanced down at my wrists. I still hadn't believed I had done that. I relapsed after years of being clean. How does that even happen? If anyone knew they'd be ashamed. I was supposed to be stronger than this, but I wasn't. I had failed.

I laid on my couch with only a towel around my waist. I had planned on going out, but now I can't. I'm in too bad of a mood for that. 

After I relapsed I felt relief. Then, that relief turned into emptiness. It didn't really hit me that I had relapsed until after my shower. 

Honestly, I felt so much better, but at the same time I felt guilty. I should have never let it get this far. Usually, I try to drown myself in positivity when I get this way and I didn't.

I think it was the stress from the new album. It was definitely getting to us all. I couldn't let Michael, Calum, or Luke in on what I did. I would only burden them further than what I already did.

I stared down at the angry red lines left behind from last night. It was almost like they were taunting me. They were telling me how badly I messed up. Just like how I mess everything up.

I shook my head to try to clear out the negative thoughts. I had to finish getting ready for rehearsal. Even though we play these songs literally every other day, management still wants us to practice together do they sound perfect every time. Then, we also have to practice and learn the new songs off the next album. Those are trickier since we won't be playing them as much as the old stuff.

I quickly slipped on a jacket as well as several bracelets to hide the new scars in my collection. The boys will probably be suspicious, especially after what Michael saw yesterday. However, I'm hoping that it will be one of those things where if they can't see it then it's not there. That's how my Mum was when things first started to go wrong. 

I quickly headed to the studio where a majority of our rehearsals are held now. I was running a few minutes late, but I didn't think it would matter that much. I was obviously wrong when I walked inside only to be met with three angry bandmates.

"Where have you been, Ash?" Luke stressfully ran a hand through his hair. 

"Sorry I was running late." I explained.

"Of course you were..." Calum mumbled under his breathe. I pretended like I didn't hear it, but it was obvious he wanted me to.

"You know," Michael started to rant. "I used to really respect you Ash. I mean like I looked up to you. Now, I can't say that anymore. You're always late and you're always dragging us down as a band. It's starting to get really old. So, you can either get it together or leave!"

"I'm sorry." My voice was small. I hadn't even realized they felt like that until now. I've always viewed them as my friends since day one, but now it's obvious that they never viewed me the same way. I'm just the drummer, and I'm lucky enough that they haven't replaced me yet with someone better.

"Ashton, I..." Michael trailed off when I refused to make eye contact. I don't want to hear fake apologies from him. I walked over to my Drum Kit and sat down.

"Let's just start, ok?" I said, picking up my drumsticks. I couldn't do this right now. Truthfully, I just wanted to run out that door, but I stopped running from my problems years ago.

"Aren't you going to take off your jacket?" Calum asked. "We can't stop if you get over-heated."

"Oh yeah." I blinked. "I forgot I was wearing it." 

I took of my jacket and set it to the side. I was left in my tank top and many bracelets. Luke gave me a strange look, but I chose to ignore him. If they couldn't see it, then it wasn't there. Thankfully, I mastered the art of hiding scars years ago.

We immediately jumped into playing 'Girls Talk Boys'. There was an awkward tension that had filled the room after Michael's outburst and it was affecting us all. Most people probably wouldn't have noticed it, but there just wasn't as much soul in the music. The die-hard fans probably would have noticed it, and then they probably would have blamed me. It's safe to say that I'm certainly not the favorite member of the band. If I wasn't so loud, fans probably wouldn't even know who I am. I'm just the guy holding the drumsticks. Sure I sing a little, but it's hard for me to drum while I'm singing.

We were halfway through our third song of the day when I started to feel a dull ache in my arm. It's all starting to come back to me. Drumming this much on fresh cuts really isn't that good. All of the movement combined with the bracelets rubbing up against them just causes a bunch of irritation. I powered through it, though. I couldn't let my band down anymore than I already have.

We had finally finished the first set, when I felt the warm liquid start to trail down my arm. I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom, much to my bandmates displeasure. I immediately went to the sink and pulled off my bracelets. A few of my cuts had popped open, but not a lot. It felt worse than it actually was. I cleaned the wounds and stopped the bleeding, before slipping my bracelets back on.

"You okay, Ashton?" I was met by Luke as I walked out of the door.

"I'm fine. Why?" I asked, trying my best to appear normal.

"You're kind of pale....and then with what Michael said..." Luke trailed off. 

"Michael was right. I haven't exactly been as serious as I could be. I'm going to try not to let that affect you guys anymore. I promise."

"No. Michael was way out of line. He had no right to say any of that to you." Luke argued.

"Thanks Luke." I faked a smile. Luke bought it and continued into the bathroom. It disappointed me a little bit that he bought it so easily, but I guess that shows my true worth.

"Pathetic." I whispered to myself again. This time no one was around to actually care about how I degraded myself, and that made me sink even deeper.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't really talk much anymore. Ever since Michael decided to tell me what he really thought of me, I've just been sinking lower and lower. I've no longer a true member of this band. I'm just the drummer.

Things have been awkward between all four of us. Michael tried apologizing to me, but it was obviously forced. I didn't want an apology. I wasn't mad at him for speaking the truth. 

Calum and Luke have been avoiding both me after the little fiasco. I don't really know why, but I do know that it's my fault. I shouldn't be so annoying all of the time.

The only relief I ever seem to find is in a blade. I've even started to carry one in my phone case again. I'm becoming bad again, but I don't really care. I'm a waste of space anyways.  
-  
"Dude, I've been calling you for five minutes." Calum spoke, waving a hand in my face. I blinked and looked up at him blankly. "There's a band meeting in 10 minutes." 

"Ok?" I didn't know why he was telling me that. Calum shook his head at me. He grabbed my arm and jerked me up from where I was sitting. I don't see why he's getting mad at me, he's the one that broke into my apartment...

"Come one, Ashton." Calum sighed, frustrated. His grip moved down my arm onto my wrist, and I had to force myself to not wince at the pain. His hand was pressing my bracelets into the cuts on my wrist.

"Okay, Cal!" I jerked my arm away. "I can walk by myself."

"Just hurry up!" Calum snapped. I followed after him as fast as I could, but the damage had already been done. I effectively angered the most easy-going guy I knew.

-

We had met up with Luke and Michael for pizza, again. It seemed like that's all we ever ate, to be honest.

"Michael wants another slice!" Michael sing-songed as Calum and I approached their table.

"Hey guys." Calum flopped down in his chair grumpily. Luke raised and eyebrow as he and Michael looked at each other in confusion.

"Everything okay, Calum?" Luke asked.

"Just peachy."

The other three guys broke into aimless chatter as I sat there and picked at my pizza. I wasn't exactly hungry, and I didn't exactly want to be there. I caught Michael glaring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I chose to ignore him. He was just being himself, anyways.

"Band trip!" Luke suddenly screamed out in joy, startling Michael, Calum, and I.

"What are you talking about, Luke?" Michael asked.

"Well, we aren't functioning as a proper band right now, so I thought maybe we could take a trip to the beach." Luke shyly elaborated.

"Sounds like exactly what we need!" Calum shrieked, earning a few harsh glares from the people around us. Michael nodded in agreement.

"What do you think, Ashton?" Luke asked me.

"Um, it sounds like a good idea for you three, but I'm kind of busy. Sorry. You guys go without me."

"What's your problem, Irwin!" Michael screamed, standing up. "You're going whether you like it or not! If-"

"Michael that's enough!" Luke cut him off while Calum smacked his hand over Michael's mouth.

"No, let him talk." I chuckled, "Please. Why am I even in this band? Of you three hate me so much, just kick me out! After all, anyone can play the drums."

"Ash, stop. We wouldn't be where we are today without you." Luke was visibly upset by my words. I looked over at Calum and Michael. Calum sat emotionless for a moment before standing up and rushing to the bathroom. Michael, however, looked extremely guilty.

"Ashton, I didn't mean-" Michael started, but I cut him off.

"Save it! I'll go to the stupid beach with you!" I sighed.  
-  
"We live in California, but we're going to the beach in Florida. Anyone want to explain that to me?" I grumbled as we got off the long plane ride.

"It's an adventure, Ash. We could go to the Cali beaches everyday, but Florida beaches? That's a totally different world!" Luke explained excitably. How he always had so much energy, I didn't know.

"Let's just hurry up and get to our hotel. We only get a week here before we have to go back to the studio." Calum whined. He was still mad at me for the other day. And Michael? I don't remember the last time he wasn't mad at me. So, it was safe to say I'd be rooming with Luke. We could only get two rooms since our trip was so totally last minute.

"I want to sleep!" Michael announced.

"I second that." I volunteered.

"You guys are no fun." Luke pouted, "What happened to the banding experience?"

"It's called we all have jet lag and you're going to have to give us a few hours before we start squealing with your puppy-like joy of being here." I supplied sarcastically, earning chuckles from Calum and Michael.

"Well, what if I don't want to sleep?" Luke asked.

"You're going to because your the baby of the band and your older bandmates said to." I snarked again.

"I hate you guys." Luke mumbled.

We eventually made it to our hotel, and I was right. Michael and Calum jumped at the chance of rooming together. We parted ways sis I followed behind Luke to our shared hotel room.

"I need sleep." Luke grumbled, before crashing on one of the beds and falling asleep almost immediately.

"Told you..."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to give comments and kudos!

I had to wake up early so I could shower before Luke did. He always took forever in the shower, so this way I didn't have to wait on him or slip on the inevitably wet floor.

I tried to avoid looking on the mirror, but of course I just had to look in it as I passed by. I'm pathetic and disgusting. Usually, I would have cut by now, but Luke was in the next room. I really wanted to cut, though.

I took off my coverage bracelets one by one, and placed them on the counter. My scars and cuts were now on display for the world to see, and I just felt totally disgusting.

I jumped in the shower and quickly showered. I had an extra step to do today in my morning routine. 

With a towso wrapped around my waist, I pulled out a bottle of concealer to cover the evidence of my self-hate. I quickly put a little on my wrist and rubbed it in. I had learned before that if I used a lot then it would just be more noticeable to other people. You could still see the scars, but you actually had to be looking to notice them now.

I slipped the bracelets back on, and opened up the door to see Luke mid-knock. I raised an eyebrow at the tall, blond boy while he tried to figure out something to say.

"I was just checking on you. You haven't exactly been yourself lately, so I was getting worried." Luke explained. I didn't even flinch. I had been told that exact line so many times that I could throw someone off without trying.

"I'm perfectly fine, Luke. The stress of recording everything perfectly has just been getting to all of us lately." I lied smoothly.

"But, that doesn't explain why you didn't want to come to the beach..." Luke trailed off and I realized exactly what he meant.

"Are you implying what I think you're implying, Luke?" I deadpanned.

"No! I mean yes?...I don't know. I just..." Luke struggled to find the right words. "I'm worried, Ash. And most self-harmers relapse at least once in their lives."

"You think I don't know that, Luke?" I rolled my eyes. "I do. Trust me. I've had plenty of relapses."

"What do you mean?" He questioned. His blue eyes looked at me worriedly. I could practically see the gears turning in his head, trying to make sense of what I had just said.

"I didn't stop self-harming overnight, Luke. It took years to stop. It wasn't easy, but I did it." I had to look away from him at this point. "It was really hard, and I relapsed a lot more than I even care to admit."

"I never knew it was that hard. I figured it be harder digging a blade into your skin than to never do it again." Luke admitted.

"Have you ever felt so angry with yourself and at the world that you've thought you wer going to explode?" I asked Luke randomly.

"No?"

"I have. And it's not fun at all. When it gets like that, you just have to do something so you don't end up exploding."

"I've never thought about that before, but you would tell me if you started feeling like that again, right?"

"Of course." I lied before getting fresh clothes to change into.  
-  
We were at the actual beach and I was hating it. I would have gotten into the water, but I didn't want the makeup to get wiped off my arm in the process. I readjusted my bracelets and glanced at the barely noticeable scars. If they knew, I would definitely be kicked out if the band.

I couldn't live without the band. These three boys had wormed their way inside my heart to the point that they became my brothers. Only unlike my actual family, I could actually tell them things that bothered me and they would listen. I loved my real family to pieces, but my siblings were still only children and my Mum would have a panic attack if she knew half the things that went on inside of my head.

I fixed my bracelets again. The boys couldn't know about this. They'd absolutely hate me if they found out. The first time they found out was a couple months after I had joined the band and it wasn't pretty.

Luke was actually the first one to notice my scars. We had been banding again, and had decided on a movie night. First though, I had driven everyone somewhere to get something to eat before going back to Michael's house. Luke was being quiet, even for him, but I didn't think anything of it. He was 15, so I summed it up to standard teenage moodiness.

"Ashton, can I ask you something?" He had asked while we were all settling down for a movie. He had a very grim look in his eyes, and at that moment he looked far older than 15.

"What is it, Lukey." I asked him, concerned. I'd do anything for these three boys, even back then.

"Why are there scars on your wrists?" He had asked quietly. The question had drawn the attention of Michael and Calum, who had previously been arguing pretty heatedly about FIFA. I felt three sets of eyes on me as I gulped and formed some type of excuse in my head.

"What? Don't be ridiculous, Luke. There aren't any scars on my arms." I had scoffed. 

"Prove it." The usually extremely quiet boy had challenged.

"I don't need to, because there aren't any scars there!" I chuckled nervously. I would've been okay, but Michael and Calum just had to get involved.

"Ashton, show us your arms!" Michael had demanded angrily. I was about to argue back with him when I felt little Calum (at the time) grab my sleeve and yank it back.

"Ashton..." Calum had whispered in pure agony before tears started to fall from his eyes. Michael's eyes snapped over to my wrist as well. 

"Ash, why didn't you just tell us?" He had asked.

If only it was just that simple. It wasn't then, and it isn't now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so bad. I'm sorry.

Okay so I found out today that if you go to the old 'smallzy surgery' video of 5sos playing 'Gotta Get Out' you can make out scars on Ashton's arms if you pause at 1:11!

We just had to go to the beach. Not only did I have to be careful about hiding my scars, but I also had to be shirtless and wearing glasses. I absolutely hated wearing my glasses. They made me feel 20x more self-conscious than usual. Fans told me I looked cute in them, but I thought I looked hideous.

"Luke, hurry up!" I yelled. Luke didn't want me leaving without him, yet he took forever to get ready.

"Okay, let's go, Ashy!" Luke cheered, shooting me a goofy grin. I rolled my eyes at his antics. Only Luke.

Finally, we were able to leave our hotel room. Michael and Calum were waiting for us in the hallway, obviously bored. Luke smiled shyly as he realized everyone had to wait for him again.

"You're ready, Luke?" Michael asked, raising an eyebrow. Luke pouted at Michael's teasing. He seemed to always be teasing Luke. The two of them walked ahead of Calum and I. Calum turned away from me and followed after them. He almost acted like I wasn't even there. Maybe I shouldn't be. 2 out of 3 of my bandmates were currently furious with me, and threatening to kick me out of the band.

I stopped walking. Calum didn't even notice. He just walked on ahead of me, like I was just the air he was forced to breathe. Maybe, I really don't belong in this band. Luke, Calum, and Michael were absolutely perfect. Then, there was me. The last second drummer that just happened to be good enough to stay. It was obviously a mistake that they regret making now.

I wasn't good enough to be in this band. Let alone be friends with these three amazing people. I debated on whether or not I should catch up with them or isolate myself in my hotel room. I chose the latter option. The boys obviously hadn't noticed I was gone, so they wouldn't notice me catch up with them either. I turned around and returned to my room. Unfortunately, when I turned around I bumped into a fan I recognized from several meet and greets we've done in the past.

"Ashton..." she whispered, starting to get overwhelmed by her excitement.

"Shh. I'm not here." I told her, moving past to enter my room.

-  
After spending a majority of my day pouting in my hotel room, I was met by three extremely angry bandmates barging in. Luke looked disappointed, and that hurt more than Michael and Calum's expressions of anger. Their anger wasn't exactly anything new. At this point, I was used to it.

"Where were you?!" Luke yelled, surprising me. He was the last person I expected to yell at me. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

"I've been here all day. Ever since Calum ditched me in the hallway this morning." I knew I was being harsh, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Why did you even come, Ashton? It's obvious you don't want to be here." Luke whispered. He was hurt.

"Because I thought you wanted me to. I told you I didn't want to come, but you couldn't take no for an answer." I stated bluntly.

"Let's go home then!" Michael spoke up. "It's just a waste of time anyways. I say we take the next flight out of here."

No one argued against the idea.

-

After a terribly long plane ride, we found ourselves sitting in our manager's office for an impromptu meeting. None of us knew anything about it. We were ordered in here as soon as we took a single step off the plane.

"What's this about?" Calum finally asked, not able to take the silence any longer.

"Well," Our manager shifted in his seat, "There's been some posts on social media and basically a girl claimed to see fresh cuts on Ashton's wrists. So, Ashton, I need you to roll up your sleeves."

"I don't want to." I finally managed to say after a few minutes. I could feel everyone's eyes on me and. I didn't think I could take much more.

"Are you serious?!" Calum shouted. It was totally uncharacteristic for him, but everyone was acting weird. Michael was quietly staring at his shoes and Luke had his jaw clenched and his eyes closed.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"How about this!" He reached over and ripped my sleeve up, revealing all of my scars to everyone in the room. "See nothing to....Ash..."

t"I'll just give you guys a few minutes. Don't go anywhere while I'm gone." Our manager said, getting up and leaving the room.

"So..." I said, breaking the awkward silence. They all obviously hated me right now. "Am I out of the band or can we just forget this ever happened?"

Luke stood up and started pacing. He always had hated it when I cut. 

"You promised, Ash..." He whispered, before starting to yell. "You promised us that you would never do it again!" 

"Luke, stop." Michael made Luke sit back down. "It's my fault he started anyways."

"No, Michael, you have nothing to do with it." Luke argued. "Ashton was supposed to talk to one of us when he felt like this. It's his own fault for relapsing."

"It's none of your business anyway." I said. "It's my body and I can do whatever I want with it!"

"Oh, so do your friends not matter anymore?" Calum finally spoke up.

"What I remember is you guys threatening to kick me out of the band for being annoying." They all froze at my words. "Maybe I should leave. Anyone can play the drums. It doesn't have to be me, someone you so obviously hate."


	7. Chapter 7

"Who said anything about hating you, Ash?" Michael asked, confused. I looked at him in disbelief. I didn't understand how he could even actually ask that question. It was so obvious. Not only to me, but to our fans as well.

"It's obvious. I don't even remember the last time I've had a proper conversation with you or Calum without one of you getting angry with me, and now Luke's mad at me without any explanation!" I yelled.

"Yeah, and look what what you've been hiding from us, Ashton!" Luke spat out venomously. "What ever happened to talking to us before this happened?!"

"You have no idea how badly I wanted to." I whispered, causing Luke to roll his eyes at me.

"We're all done with your lies, Ashton!" Luke raised his voice. I nodded mutely and fell back in my seat, giving up.

"I'll get Richard..." Calum muttered, leaving the room. He obviously wanted to leave, and I couldn't blame him.

-

When Calum returned with Richard, the room was tense to say the least. No one was talking and no one would look at each other. Luke was basically pouting and Michael was getting stressed out from all of the fighting going on.

"Well..." Richard disrupted the awkward silence. "This is a problem Ashton. A problem that could lead to more publicity if we downplay it the right way."

"Wait, what?" Luke scrunched his eyebrows up in confusion. "It was one fan tweeting about it. How is that a problem?"

"She tweeted it and it's been retweeted millions of times now. To downplay it, you're going to speak about it in your next interview, Ashton. We already got one set up for Tuesday."

"Shouldn't this be my decision?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Nope!"

-  
It was the day I've been dreading for a solid 4 days. Today was the day I was being forced to talk about my own self harm in front of millions of people. To make matters worse, I've been having to stay with again, so I didn't magically disappear a day before the interview.

I really did not want to do this. Who would actually want to do this?! 

Calum was still sleeping, so I slipped into the bathroom and removed my razor from my phone case. I bit my lip as I stared at the closed door. I needed to hurry before Calum woke up.

I brought the sharp metal to my wrist and slid it harshly across. I stared at the blood that had started to bead up. This was me now and honestly I just felt so pathetic. 

No one trusted me anymore. My friends hated me and I was getting a ton of hate from the fans on Twitter. Not even Calum wanted me here. Luke flat out refused to let me stay at his place and things between Michael and I were still extremely tense. I had to stay with Calum because there was basically no other option.

Calum hated me too. He was just the least likely to snap at me right now.

"Ashton, are you okay in there?" Calum asked, knocking on the door. His voice had surprised me and my hand had slipped, causing the blade to dig into my wrist deeper than I ever had before. Blood immediately started to pool to the top of the fresh wound.

"Ye-ah Calum I'm fine." My voice cracked, causing me to wince. I tried to stop the bleeding, but nothing was working. I was starting to get scared.

"Ash...ton." Calum opened the door and gaped at what he saw. I refused to make eye contact with him. I didn't want to see the disappointment on his face. I couldn't bear to see it again.

"Hey Calum...would you believe me if I told you this was a dream?" I tried, causing Calum to shoot me a glare in return.

"No." He replied bitterly. "You had to do it in my house? You know blood makes me queasy."

"Sorry." I mumbled, looking down at my shoes.

"You know it's still bleeding right?"

"Yeah, but it won't stop and now I don't know what to do." I murmured, still looking at my shoes. 

"Let me see." Calum sighed, pulling out some gauze from his cabinet and making his way over to me. I held out my arm awkwardly, not really wanting to really be in this situation. Calum started to tightly wrap the gauze around my wrist, and I took this chance to look at his face. 

Calum's expression could only be called sad, to say the least. He had a large frown on his face that absolutely broke my heart. I had done that to him. I had hurt him, Michael, and Luke all at the same time. I didn't deserve to be in this band with these amazing people.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, before tears started to roll down my face before I could stop them. Calum looked up at me, and his eyes widened at the sight of me. He had never seen me cry before. I was always the one that was supposed to stay strong. I had broken, though. I had broken and let down not only the fans, but my bandmates too.

"Your Mum called me." Calum stated, causing me to look up at him. I still hadn't called her back, so she had likely grown worried and called Calum. 

"Oh. Sorry. I know you don't want to deal with all of my drama." I apologized.

"She was saying that you've been depressed for at least the past 6 months and it's gotten to the point where you refuse to call her." Calum went on, like he hadn't even heard me. "You haven't even texted your siblings, Ash. That's not like you."

"I'm sorry." I said again. Calum rolled his eyes at my apology.

"Don't be. We weren't there for you when you needed us. It's not your fault. You still should have said something, though."

"Thanks, Cal." I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in months and hugged him.


	8. Chapter 8

"I can't do this." I whisper-yelled, turning to Calum. We were currently waiting for our interview to start, and I was having a mini-panic attack at the thought of what was about to happen. I was a nervous wreck and even Luke was starting to give me looks of pity.

"Yes, you can Ash." Calum sighed for the tenth time since we got here. "The first sign of you being uncomfortable and the subject is supposed to change."

"I don't know about this." I sighed, bringing my hand up to my mouth to bite my nails nervously. Luke immediately reached over and swatted my hand away.

"Ash, just calm down already. You're going to be fine."

Would I be fine? No, I don't think this is a good idea. I felt my panic starting to rise in my chest as I started to have a full-blown panic attack. I knew I was starting to hyperventilate at this point, but I chose to ignore it and try to hide it from my band-mates instead of being a big baby about it. I could handle a tiny panic attack, no matter how much I didn't want to. I had to be strong. That was something I haven't been doing a good job at lately.

I stood up and started to pace back and forth with my hands pulling at my hair as I started to hyperventilate even harder. This definitely caught everyone's attention. I didn't care, though. The only thoughts I had in my head were, "I can't do this!" And "everyone is going to hate me for this!" Those thoughts just kept repeating in my head until another, more prominent thought entered my head.  

"I need to cut." I had accidentally said out loud, when it was meant to only be inside my head. I was met by the three sets of wide eyes that belonged to my band mates. Before that, they hadn't even been paying attention to what I was doing. 

"Ashton," Calum spoke in a slow, comforting voice. "You need to calm down and breathe."

"Can't!" I argued, as I again started to hyperventilate even harder. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor and Michael was restraining me. "Let go of me!"

"No, Ash!" Michael yelled, "Not until you calm down."

"I don't need to calm down, Michael. Not when you and Luke hate me. Maybe I should just quit this stupid band anyways. It's not like anyone actually cares about whether or not I stay and if I quit I can't do this stupid interview!" Michael let go of me and stormed out of the room in anger. I had obviously said something to make him angry, so he removed himself from the situation just like usual. He may not have realized that was what he was doing, but I could easily recognize that. Years of therapy had ensured that I had all of the pieces I needed to not let a situation overwhelm me. 

Yet, here I was. I was sitting in a room minutes away from revealing my flaws to everyone watching. I felt like I was caged in. Exactly like how I felt when my Mum forced me into therapy after the first time I tried to kill myself. I felt like I was being judged, like no matter what I did, nothing could possibly get better. I had hit rock bottom again, but this time I had purposely driven away my support system. 

How idiotic could one person get? I could have reached out but I didn't. I didn't want help when I needed it the most. I wanted to hit that point, so I didn't have to struggle through the pain. I had given up before I had even started the fight. That was nothing short of pathetic and cowardly.

"Guys?" I called out to my remaining band mates. It was time that I fixed this mess. For good. "I think I'm ready to have that interview now."

"I'll go get Michael!" Luke hurriedly volunteered, before racing out of the room. I was left all alone with Calum. He gave me a questioning look, so I raised an eyebrow at him in return.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" He asked. I smiled at him before shrugging my shoulders.

"Why not? This couldn't go on forever. We all know that." I replied.

"I'm not following, Ashton." Calum admitted.

"We make choices everyday, Calum, but what we don't realize is that every choice we ever make has a real impact on us whether or not it's now or in the future. It could be a small choice and it could be a large choice, but honestly we just don't know what sort of impact we cause when we make those choices. I made the choice of not asking for help and that was one of my biggest mistakes. I let myself hit rock bottom and now I'm paying the consequences."


	9. Chapter 9

"Are you sure you want to do this, Ash?" Luke asked worriedly. It seemed that just knowing that I was ready to face this interview head on had caused some of Luke's and Michael's anger to fade. 

"I have to do this, Luke. I owe it to our fans." I sighed, before making my way to the makeshift stage that was really just a couch with lights centered on it. I plastered a fake smile onto my face as I sat on the couch next to my interviewer.

"Ashton Irwin, so pleased that you could be here today. I'm Vanessa and of course I'm sure you recognize some of your fans in our live studio audience!" Vanessa gushed, and as if on cue the audience started to scream and go crazy. Vanessa started out asking tame questions about my drumming and how I started getting into music before she progressed to the more serious topics.

"So Ashton, recently there's been some gossip on twitter that you had slipped into some old habits. What are your thoughts on this?" 

"I'm human. We all make mistakes and with my...past...I let myself slip back into old habits. The thing is that I worked so hard to get past this the last time it happened, and I knew that I was slipping before it happened. I had all the warning signs, but I ignored them. Instead of getting help, I pushed everyone away and tried to ignore my problems. Before I knew it, it was already too late.

"And if you could give your fans any advice what would it be?" Vanessa asked. That was a good question, but I was prepared. 

"Never let it get that far. Sometimes, life can throw things at you that you aren't ready to handle. The thing is that you can't stop fighting just because you're scared you can't win. I'll just say this, as long as you guys don't stop fighting, neither will I. I'll keep on drumming and living life as best as I can."

-  
"That was beautiful Ash." Luke admitted on the car ride back to Calum's house. I glanced at Michael and Calum and they both shot me encouraging looks in return.

"Yeah, I guess it was..."

And that was the truth. I had relapsed, but that didn't mean I had to let that control who I was and what I stood for in life. I constantly told so many of my fans not to cut and now I could support them even more by recovering from my relapse and letting them know that it's okay to break sometimes. Because now I know that no matter how hard I try, not even I can be completely free of a single breakdown. Life happens. We accept it. Then we move on. That's the way it's supposed to be. 

Honestly, maybe it's a good thing I relapsed. Now I can support my fans on an even deeper level and show them that I'm ready to get better.

Again.

-end-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was the last chapter, but don't worry I have something else 5sos planned. I'm going to try to write at least a good few chapters out ahead of time as well as finish up some of my other works up before I post the first chapter. Just keep an eye out, I promise you all will love it!


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